End of Fawning Fanboydom

Achewood just got way too big:

Time magazine's #1

[clicky]

I mean I've been watching Achewood grow and mainstream for a long, slow while [yes, "mainstream" the verb], but this is probably past where I can still say I'm a fanboy; pushing product like crack on them corners. I've contributed lots of money (via merch sales), I've had meaningful conversations with Mr. Onstad, and I've nicknamed my firstborn "Ray Smuckles."

But, we may have to depart bittersweet...into the ether. Just ask RHCP, Apple, VW, and Salon. I'm so over them all (and got "out" before it got "popular"). I'm still involved with these folks, but I'm not pushing their product.

Congratulations Chris and family and cast. I wish you nothing but continued success and plenty of sweet, sweet money. I'll still be in the audience though (wearing my early merch like authentic Led Zeppelin Tour '77 black tees). It's just...too many people know now. Like Vice magazine/VBS. Like Pitchfork. Like Zefrank. Remember The Onion? You're just too "cool" now. And, that's just not me. I love you and I'm proud of you, Achewood.

It's not you, Chris. It's me. I've cred to maintain. No, really, I'm happy for you. I'll call...when you're post-cool/post-hip. See ya' on the down-slope.

[Oh, and sorry but I had to remove you from the LINKS nav]

The Genius of Commerce

You thought Kanye was genius? You thought Scooter Libby was genius? Well, UPS has everyone beat:

Left-Hand-Turn Elimination
New York Times Magazine
December 9, 2007
By JOEL LOVELL

It seems that sitting in the left lane, engine idling, waiting for oncoming traffic to clear so you can make a left-hand turn, is minutely wasteful — of time and peace of mind, for sure, but also of gas and therefore money. Not a ton of gas and money if we’re talking about just you and your Windstar, say, but immensely wasteful if we’re talking about more than 95,000 big square brown trucks delivering packages every day. And this realization — that when you operate a gigantic fleet of vehicles, tiny improvements in the efficiency of each one will translate to huge savings overall — is what led U.P.S. to limit further the number of left-hand turns its drivers make.

The company employs what it calls a “package flow” software program, which among other hyperefficient practices involving the packing and sorting of its cargo, maps out routes for every one of its drivers, drastically reducing the number of left-hand turns they make (taking into consideration, of course, those instances where not to make the left-hand turn would result in a ridiculously circuitous route).

Last year, according to Heather Robinson, a U.P.S. spokeswoman, the software helped the company shave 28.5 million miles off its delivery routes, which has resulted in savings of roughly three million gallons of gas and has reduced CO2 emissions by 31,000 metric tons. So what can Brown do for you? We can’t speak to how good or bad they are in the parcel-delivery world, but they won’t be clogging up the left-hand lane while they do their business.

Who Said?

Who said the Supreme Court sucks?

This is a sensible and thoughtful decision:

Supreme Court Says Crack Sentences Can Be Reduced

Hello, law?

Wait Till I Get My Money Right

Why We Hate People

On a crowded urban commuter subway train this morning:

Guy on his cell phone: "He gave me antibiotics."

(pause)

Guy again (louder): "Antibiotics, he gave me antibiotics!"

(pause)

Same guy (Even louder - screaming magically makes up for poor reception): ANTIBIOTOCS, HE GAVE ME ANTIBIOTICS - ONE EACH DAY FOR A WEEK!"

(loses reception -- dials back)

Same guy again: "No, he just said the antibiotics would take care of whatever it is."

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This supersedes all previous notices.

Burning Bridges

Now that I'm rich, I jsut want to tell all of you little people that you suck and I don't need ya'! I'm rich and it's "me" time.

Look and learn jealous suckas:

OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA
Aso Rock villa, Asokoro District, Abuja


         DIPLOMATIC  CASH IMMUNITY PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

ATTENTION:BENEFICIARY,

Based on our investigation department, we wish to warn you against some
Miscreants, Hoodlums and touts who go about scamming innocent people by
claiming to be who they are not and thereby tarnishing the image of this
wonderful country.

I am Lt General James Morgan (Rtd), National Security Adviser to the new
Nigerian President Umaru Musa Yar'Adua. I am delighted to inform you that
the contract panel, which just concluded its sitting in Abuja just
released your name amongst contractors to benefit from the Diplomatic
Immunity Payment.  This Panel was primarily delegated to investigate
manipulated contract claims, contracts and over-invoiced payment as the
effect has eaten deep into the economy of our dear country.

However, we wish to bring to your notice that your contract profile is
still reflecting in our central computer as unpaid contractor while
auditing was going on.  Your contract file was forwarded to my office by
the auditors as unclaimed fund, we wish to use this medium to inform you
that for the time being Federal Government of Nigeria have stopped further
payment through bank to bank transfer due to contractors numerous
petitions to United Nations against Nigeria on wrong payment and diversion
of contract funds to different accounts.

In this regards, we are going to send your contract part payment of
20Million USD. To you via our accredited shipping company through
diplomatic cash delivery down to our door step and I have secured every
needed document to cover the money while the diplomat will get it
delivered to you right in your doorstep.

Note: The money is coming on two security proof boxes. The boxes are
sealed with synthetic nylon seal and padded with machine as metallic trunk
boxes. Please you don't have to worry for anything, as the transaction is
100% risk free. The boxes are coming with a Diplomatic agent who will
accompany the boxes to your house address. All you need to do now is to
send to me, your full house address and your identity such as,
international passport or drivers license and your mobile phone and
telephone number, The Diplomatic Agent will travel with it. He will call
you immediately he arrives to your country's airport. I hope you
understand me.

As soon as the above-mentioned details are received, your payment will be
made to you via diplomatic courier delivery in accordance to World Bank,
United Nation and IMF recommendations. A diplomat with international
travel immunity will be contracted to deliver the fund at your doorstep.

Kindly get back to me today also with the requested information so that we
can proceed on this matter as soon as possible.

1) Your full name.
2) Phone, fax and mobile #.
3) Company name, position and address.
4) Profession, age and marital status.
5) Copy of int'l passport, drivers license, or any valid ID card via
e-mail attachment.

Bear in mind that the diplomat does not know the original contents of the
boxes. What l declared to them as the contents is Sensitive Photographic
Film Materials for security reasons/valuable material of your personal
effect. I did not disclose it as money to them please. If they call you
and ask you the contents please tell them the same thing Ok. Call me on my
direct phone +234-703-100-8675 or email and I will let you know how far I
have gone with the arrangement. I will secure the Diplomatic Immunity
Clearance Certificate (D.I.C.C), which will make him pass every custom
checkpoint all over the world without any hitches.

Confirm the receipt of this message and send the requirements to me
immediately because your boxes are scheduled to leave as soon as we hear
from you.

Best Regards,

Lt General James Morgan (Rtd).
National Security Adviser to the President
Federal Republic of Nigeria
+234-703-100-8675

DIPLOAMTIC CASH DELIVERY DOWN TO YOUR DOORSTEP

From Dave

random computer nonsense using Functions by Tej Hada as source.

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Bryant Gumbel

So, it's probably a good thing not too many people get the NFL Network. Bryant Gumbel does the play-by-play and Chris Collinsworth is the color guy.

The only reason I even witnessed this sideshow is because the Redskins happen to be my local team and the game was broadcast locally.

Anyway, without going into depth (because others have done that: clicky), just let me mention that Bryant Gumbel is so goddamn bad at this gig I couldn't really turn away. It was great comedy.

It sounded like Martha Stewart wandered into the wrong studio and was forced at gunpoint (Collinsworth on gun) to do the broadcast. It was all blown calls, no insider knowledge of the game, and that terrible high-pitched voice.

Ask Ty...December 7

Q: Ty,

Here is my monthly plea for photo advice from the "Original" King of Leisure, Ty Hardaway. First off all, of the Middlespace Monopoly you preside over –- come to think of it I like "The Middlespace Kingdom" you rule over better -- is off the hook. Fucking righteous shit really, and also easy to get lost in. I end up with so many multitude of synopsis firing and so many great ideas that the Real work gets lost in the shuffle.

I especially liked [recently]:

Tree 1994
Prosperity 1998 (#1) (#2)
Cemetery 1995

And of course your piece on Crows. You’re right; a group of birds that cruise around in a gang called a "murder" is hard. I mean come on...and of course daily shots.

At any rate, back to the real business at hand…clearly you’re working with a couple different lenses here as your close up shit is extra crisp. How do you that, what do you pack? I'd like to invest in a Canon D80 but it's priced out of my market. The new hype Canon is pushing is their D40, a pro camera that anyone can use. This new shit is unreal. [I know] a photojournalist for the SF Chronicle and the amount of technology he uses is ludicrous. Anyway, it seems the thing is interchangeable lenses (which I had a bunch of before cameras turned into computers). Anyway more ranting than question asking.

Totally dug East Summer West and Christine McGuinness. Solid idea, solid shots. Any plans for another? Or to a lesser extent, how did you come up with the themes? I’d love to have a weekly working theme as it's always a challenge to go out and look for something that happens to be your interpretation of the Theme or Phrase. Send them this way!

My site currently is nothing more than an over glorified Flickr account and I’m sometimes embarrassed to post some of the stuff I put up there. The "working" idea behind The Fifty Grand Project is to start a Website Collective of Photojournalist and raise money (at least 50 grand) to be used in a project similar to "Born into Brothels" (info on which can be found at Kids with Cameras link), in which youth are given cameras and encouraged to take photos of their environment. Working with kids down in Oakland and Hayward helped me realize that their innocence is a byproduct of having seen all the shit that goes down. And I thought they were better, stronger, kinder people than most people you or I know. So I guess the working idea is to pitch the same kind of project but instead of concentrating on other countries I'd like to concentrate domestically and make an impact, record, conveying the issues through the eyes of these "less fortunate" (as my lame ass boss liked to say) individuals. Anyway just kicking it around.

I applied to and got into The Academy of Art (for photography) set tentatively for Summer 2008. I hate school and haven't figured out if this is more bullshit or something I can bang out in a year or two but they do have bad ass equipment and resources…so we'll see. In the meantime I’m at work slowly trying to build my own Empire and yours is a great blueprint.

Let me know if I’m ripping off too many of your good ideas and feel free to steal, manipulate or critique anything you find at 50 Grand. Hope all is well out there and looking forward to chopping it up with you.

PS - I just got a couple prints from The Library of Congress where you apparently can look at all the archived photos and then have them duplicated for under 10 bucks. All kinds of cool shit there.

PPS - Directly after reading your advice (which was well received) on approaching people for shots I ran into an award winning photo in the town square/park up in Healdsburg. It was these three old-timer farm workers (at one time or another) chilling three deep on a park bench shooting the shit like old dudes do and they must do every week. In black and white it would have been a great shot. So I go up to them (I was having lunch with Nancy, so I thought it was in the bag having her walk up with me) and ask and it was a nightmare. All said no and things got uncomfortable, but I told them it wasn’t a problem and sorry I asked and moved on. In retrospect I think they thought I was an INS agent or some rich ass tourist laughing at the wet-backs who trim their gardens every 3rd Thursday. But it taught me a lot. First I have to learn more Spanish. Secondly, so what? It is what it is and I respected them enough not to fire off a couple clicks AND the key is the more people you approach the better your success rate will be.

Peace,

- #88, NorCal


Ty: Wow! Good questions and even better observations. Gee where to start…

Thanks for all the nice words about my work. Believe it or not, I try pretty hard. It's good to know that firstly, someone is watching, and also that my work does something for someone. And, never worry about "ripping me off." Do what you want. I don't care.

It appears that you present about six questions that I can try to respond to.

Camera Equipment: Eh! I'm not a gearhead. I don't generally talk gear. I cannot stand so-called "photographers" who talk gear. I don't know lenses and I don't know bracketing. I mean, I learned all of this stuff at some point, but it doesn't matter. If I only had the camera on my phone, it's what I would use. But, your ingratiation has softened the shell. Here is my camera list:

Canon S5 IS: Good camera, great color and contrast interpretation. That is, the images look pretty much like what I shot; what I wanted. I really like the images and the flexibility (nearly a perfect camera). Problem is, vulnerable camera it is. They break like a motherfucker. E-18. Don't bump the little fucker or you have a $400 paperweight. Good camera though. Not so good with low-ish light but good all around field and studio camera. Also, this camera has good macro and GREAT supermacro features. Good video/stereo sound. Great zoom and image stabilization.

Nikon D50: I got this bad boy when the D40s were just released. So it was a steal at around $400. I have three lenses: the stock 18-55mm that came with it which is fine but not the sharpest lens. I have a big-ass 70-300mm zoom. A monster but quite clear. And, I have a vintage (manual only) f2.8 28mm prime. I generally use the Nikon for studio work or field work (the big-ass lens). Not so good with low light. The built-in flash sucks.

Olympus FE-230: This $170 wonder takes more than half-way decent shots. Good with low-ish light. Good color and contrast interpretation. And, very good macro and supermacro features. Plus it's about the size of a flip-phone or an iPod. You can pack it anywhere. It as decent video and sound too.

If I only had, say, $500. I might get the Olympus and the Canon. That way you're set. Digital SLRs are great (if someone else is paying for the equipment), but it's all bulky, pretentious, and expensive to operate.

New Ideas: I'm not a photographer. I'm an experiential artist. I do what comes to me. It might be written, photographed, blogged, or musical but I just go with the flow. But, I still struggle with inspiration and fight myself over output. So, I have nothing for you. If you feel it try it.

Weekly Working Theme: The themes for East Summer West came from friends and others. Christine and I sent a note asking people to participate then we each shot, from our individual perspectives, most of the themes.

I also struggle with 'what to shoot.' I never have an idea and just roll with the gut. I'm happy to lob a theme or two at you from time to time (like, "Naked Women") but I probably can't do it weekly since I'm bound to be onto something different at a moment's notice. You never know when an album is ready to happen. But, yeah, here's your first topic: Naked Women.

Fifty Grand: I like Fifty Grand. And I very much like a bunch of your shots. These in particular:

The first shot in Desolation Wilderness is rad.
At the Track has huge potential but falls just short for me. I get it though.
The Usual Suspects is great.
The first two shots of Small Town are brilliant.
And, there are others.

So, my advice here is keep it up. Keep shooting. Develop contexts even artificial contexts - it gives you something to work with. Find your style. Be bold. You can do what you with with regard to higher purpose. That is, your ambition to get cameras in kids' hands. But you know, develop your personal Empire before you expand. You're young. If you can go to art school, do it. Keep writing too.

School: If you can afford it, go to art school. Not necessarily to learn anything (which you will), but to be inspired and competitive with other artists. It's the exposure that will expand you. It's also a good line for any prospectus/résumé to have "art school" on there. I don't have that. I applied to and decided not to go to art school on two occasions. It just wasn't in the cards at the time, but I always wish I could've. It's a good network to penetrate.

Shooting People: Yeah, there are instances where you get the emphatic "No!" I've been there. Recently, I was in D.C. and this crazy black dude was kicking the shit out of a pay phone. There was no time to ask so I started to shoot. Before I could get a shot off, the guy noticed and emphatically declared, "Nigga, put that motherfucking camera away! No pictures of my ass. Get the fuck out of here!" All I said was, "OK" and kept walking. Sometimes it doesn't happen. But, keep trying.

Also, you were with someone. You may have tried the Power Of Two method. Have the person ostensibly "pose" kind of near your farm worker subjects and simply shoot past her. Here's where a good telephoto lens is helpful. You pose your confederate. Make it look like you are dumb tourists and just shoot over their shoulder or just past their waist. If you set up right, nobody notices.

Try this as an exercise: Shoot a picture of yourself once daily for a month.

Just a guess. - Ty

2007 - Nothing Pains Me More

As some of you know "nothing pains me more" that doing my end-of-year favorite photo thing.

I take a bunch of pictures all year and try to put them into a "favorite" context year after year.

Why? Dunno. Maybe I'm defective. Please don't kill me over these. I did two passes of the thousands of images and this is what stuck.

So, I bit the bullet and just beat them out.

Here:

[clicky]

Mine is a world, apparently, where few people smile and where stuff is more than just stuff.

Dead is Dead

"The next great photographers—if there are to be any—will have to find a way to reclaim photography's special link to reality. And they'll have to do it in a brand-new way."

[clicky]

Fries With That?

Straight A’s, With a Burger as a Prize

"The McDonald’s restaurants in Seminole County, Fla., and the Seminole County School Board have agreed to reward students for good grades and attendance during the 2007-8 school year with Happy Meals."

[clicky]

Bob Hawkins

Omaha Paper: Mall Shooter in Nebraska Had Just Lost Job at McDonald's

[clicky]

My Conversation with McDonalds®

Since it was snowy, the kid's after school basketball club was canceled (Hoopworks basketball club) so I decided to treat her to a rockin' Happy Meal®. She doesn't eat that stuff too often so it's kind of fun. Plus, I use the opportunity to discuss advertising, branding, and health. And since the mom wasn't going to be home for dinner, I decided to grab a couple of hamburgers for myself (not cheeseburgers, those are poison).

Here's my conversation at the drive through:

McDonalds® (order speaker/mic interface): ***crackle*** Hoeas lhahs os adfoe ***crackle***

Me: Excuse me?

McDonalds: ***crackle*** How may I adjf;al you? ***crackle***

Me (deliberately efficient and clear): Hello [I always say "hello"], may I buy [I always ask to "buy" or "purchase" rather than "have" or rather than just ordering] one six-piece chicken nugget Happy Meal® --

McDonalds: What drink?

Me: Apple Juice.

McDonalds: OK. Anything else?

Me: Yes, I'd also like to buy a Fruit and Walnut Snack-sized Salad® and two hamburgers.

McDonalds: First window.

McDonalds (at first window): Hold on.

Me: OK [snow falling into car and rolling window up and down trying to decide to be ready for transaction or to keep snow and cold out of the car]....

McDonalds: Happy Meal®?

Me: Yes, and--

McDonalds: Something else?

Me: Yes. As I ordered, one six-piece chicken nugget Happy Meal® with apple juice, one Fruit and Walnut Snack-sized Salad® and two hamburgers.

McDonalds: $6.32 [or whatever]. Next window.

McDonalds (at second window): [Hands bag with happy meal and apple juice] Thank you.

Me: Uh, I ordered other stuff.

McDonalds: What?

Me: I ordered other things.

McDonalds: [Has no idea what I'm saying...doesn't speak English -- goes and gets drive-through guy from first window]

Me: Hi. I ordered other stuff.

McDonalds: [In broken English] No you didn't.

Me: Yes, I did. Maybe you didn't hear me or maybe it wasn't packed, but I really did [I hand receipt back through window - drive-through guy disappears and second window woman looks at me - stares at me - snow is entering car]

McDonalds (drive-through guy): You didn't get everything? [First window guy and second windo woman stare at each other for what seems like a full 30-seconds - it's cold, it's snowing]

Me: No. [More staring]

Me: Manager please.

McDonalds (second window woman): Huh?

Me: Manager?

McDonalds (doesn't understand English): Huh?

Me: Can you get a man-i-yer?

--Short wait-- [snow falling into car and rolling window up and down trying to decide to be ready for transaction or to keep snow and cold out of the car]

McDonalds (manager guy): Hi.

Me: Hi. Here's the deal. In order to maintain efficiency and flow, you need to put your best person on drive-through. You really need someone who can speak English and solve problems quickly. If you're putting a trainee on window, you need to have someone there to supervise so you don't have this situation happen. I realize that you go through employees rapidly but this trial-by-fire method of so-called "training" doesn't work because you're going to run into people who are a lot meaner than me. In fact, I don't really care except that I'm sitting here in the cold -- and my daughter is getting cold -- and you're treating me like a mope because you cannot adequately staff your franchise.

McDonalds (manager guy): Sorry.

Me: "Sorry" isn't necessary. Please learn something and perhaps you can prevent this situation in the future.

McDonalds (manager guy): Sorry.

Funny. This was in my bag:

Future Gifting

Merry Christmas future mope of America!

Attic Day

Attic Day

Attic Day 2007 was certainly interesting.

On one hand it was good to "hear" from people and check off some of those boxes.

On the other hand Attic Day is a motherfucker. Because we all die, that's why. Some of us suffer prolonged lung/liver diseases and s.l.o.w.l.y. die while our dearest friends sit by and watch the TeeVee with us because the whole process of dying is so completely absurd that trying to dig up poignancy is even more ridiculous. I mean, what, we're suppose to suddenly "get" what this was all about? Nope.

Or, we fall through a chimney in Chinatown and plummet down 12 goddamn floors of darkened elevator shaft (and darkened is key because that descent is both timeless and endless). No time to figure it all out there, right? Or is there? All you can get out is, "Are you fucking serious? This is how I go? How embarrassing! People are going to pity me for being the subject to this ridiculous accident. They're going to say stupid shit like, 'She's somewhere better now' or 'hopefully it didn't cause much pain.' 'Will this increase the value of my art?'"

We die. Live it up, suckers because you're going to die.

So, take all your Account Manager titles and your slimey Purell® brand hand sanitizer hands and do something. Make something. Love something. Go somewhere. Get over yourselves Working Heroes of America. Have a thought and have an opinion...on me.

Bug Workaround

You may have noticed that since the beginning of the month or so, clicking on images displayed a file download box instead of showing the full-size image in the browser.

Until Blogger fixes this now known bug, I've gone back and hand-edited these posts so you can see them. And I will hand-edit new posts until the bug is fixed.

No biggie. Just changing a couple of lines of code...directory stuff.

UPDATE: Looks like it's now fixed.

Sundown

When is Hanukkah this year?

Get a calendar!

In 2007, Hanukkah begins at sundown tonight, December 4th.

Oh, and Christopher Hitchens doesn't attack Christmas! [clicky]