I'm not a photographer.
Photographers carry around big cameras, big lights,
big flash contraptions and little meters, they talk
about film stock, ISO's, F stops and capturing the
perfect light right before dusk.
Photographers creep through neighborhoods of poor
people looking for interesting poverty related things
to "capture" in black and white or muted color.
Photographers spend lots of time in cramped dark rooms
with red lights and chemicals that smell like egg
Photographers get in heated exchanges about the
direction Leica is headed or that one camera maker
that sounds all german, hasselhoff?
Photographers have lots of lenses that they will tell
you about whether you ask them or not, like the one
that can see an ass hair on a mosquito or the
remarkably "bright" one that can photograph the pope's
underwear tag from a tower in hell.
Photographers say "glass" a lot, "Thats a nice piece
of glass you got there Danny." which would be funny if
it was a joke. No it wouldn't.
Photographers show you shoes hanging on wires, pink
boxes in the green weeds, little black girls with blue
eyes and nuns sitting under billboards of naked men.
Photographers have all kinds of cameras, most of them
are rare and vintage but they love to remind you that
their absolute favorite cameras are crappy plastic
cameras they found at the thrift store for 25 cents.
Photographers LOVE Polaroid because you can take a
picture of absolutely ANYTHING with a Polaroid and it
will look like you got your BFA.
Photographers know the names of every other
photographer who ever lived and they can tell you
exactly who took the first picture of an old barn door
or a naked girl on a sofa.
Photographers talk about how little they use photoshop
IF AT ALL, and even then it's only to "adjust some
curves" or "make the blacks a little more black."
Photographers make use of make up artists,
hairdressers, location scouts and stylists which is
way way WAY different than photoshopping out zits and
Photographers freeze moments to show the REALITY. They
love that word, "reality" also they like to say "RAW"
Photographers have websites with big black or red sans
serif fonts on white backgrounds.
Photographers put their client list at the bottom of
the side bar where it looks like they don't really
care about it but just in case you didn't like their
photographs you can see who did.
Photographers list their accomplishments in a timeline
so just in case you didn't like their photographs you
can see who did. Wait, did I just say that?
Photographers have strong opinions about Terry
Photographers get upset about cropping.
Photographers like the anticipation, surprise,
expense, delay, grain, smell, challenge, discipline,
texture, and overall unpredictable "magic" of analog,
soo opposite of effing digital.
Photographers use the word amateur to describe most
Photographers miss the good old days when photography
was expensive and out of reach to amateurs.
Photographers blame the lab a lot.
Photographers go to school to study photography
because you can't tell if a photo is good just by
looking at it.
Photographers whisper cutting edge poetic gems like
"digital has no soul."
Photographers only really like 2 or 3 other
photographers, the one's whose photographs most
resemble their own and they like to keep those books
right out on the coffee table where everyone can see
Photographers think all commentary about photography
and photographers is likely directed at them.
So yeah, I don't give a stumbling poop about any of
I'm not a photographer.
From Merkley??? via BDW: