Why Do You Hate So?

Why am I such a hater? Me? A Hater? Please?

I'm not a hater. Joe Morgenstern of the Wall Street Journal is a hater. Why? Because he's no fun. In fact, he's anti-fun. And, what's the matter with Jerry Seinfeld's Bee Movie, anyway? It. Was. Fun. Here's what Morgenstern said:
""Bee Movie" isn't a B movie, it's a Z movie, as in dizmal. This animated feature might have been tolerable, though for what demographic I'm not sure, if its hyper vocal star, Jerry Seinfeld, had chosen to drone. Instead, he delivers every line -- every stupid bee joke that he and his cronies could cook up -- with a pounding, punishing triumphalism that recalls not the Seinfeld of "Seinfeld" but Milton Berle on a really bad night."
That's not nice. Not only is it not nice, it's just wrong. Oh, what do I know, right? I'm no fancy movie critic. I took my 5 ("and a half") year-old offspring. I laughed aloud. I slapped my knee. I shouted, "..ain't it the truth." All the while, I was mesmerized by the beautiful visual aspects of the motion picture and playing along with the jokes. Shit was funny, dude.

I loved Bee Movie, son. [trailer here] Loved that shit. What does Morgenstern expect? It's a goddamn cartoon for crying out loud. A cartoon! All that was missing was a bowl of cereal (maybe some General Mills brand Honey Nut Cheerios?! It's packed with an irresistible honey sweet taste and it lowers your cholesterol. I mean, WTF, people?!).


Are they gone yet? The new and casual readers have probably checked out by now. Good.

OK, enough with that shit, let's get to the hatin'! So in my city, we're having a City Council election tomorrow. Three of the five seats are up. Typically, in our municipality of 55,000 only about 3,000 vote in a non-county, non-state, non-federal election. Six percent, right? Pah-thetick!

So, I'm a voting kind of guy, so I've been keeping an eye on the candidates. And, jesus, if they aren't the worst slate of candidates for any election I've ever witnessed. Seven so-called candidates are going after these three prized seats. Here's the breakdown:
One candidate I'll call "ambitious." Ryan Spiegel. Young fellow, lawyer, likes Barack Obama for president [quaint]. Fairly new resident, lives in my neighborhood, newly married. Seems a decent guy. But, when asked questions in the "candidates forum" he calmly and eloquently gave time-filling non-answers that kind of sounded like answers except they weren't answers at all. Just a bunch of make-believe politician bullshit. Big on dropping his endorsements and "democrat" cred. Like democrats have cred. Kind of a know-it-all. Clearly has ambitions to bigger and better politics. Looks like a politician. I trust him as much as any politician. Very little. But, he'll probably be my congressman soon.

The next candidate is a home-schooling stay-at-home self-declared "civic activist." Cathy Drzyzgula. Oh, god. We know where this is going, right? Most of her answers started with a long, smoky, "Uhhhhhh....." Clearly a Reagan republican. Not bright. Not optimistic. Not savvy. Not electable. Problem is, this candidate has pooled resources with the next candidate, Jud Ashman and visually and hurestically have the best signs. I wouldn't be surprised if "Jud & Cathy" win seats. No plan, good signs.

Where do I start with Jud? If I asked him the time, he'd answer that the sky was purple. Unelectable to the nth degree in any modern political race. Who are these people? Not bright, not insightful. Oh, but good signs. Yellow with blue stars all over it. Handed out balloons at Oktoberfest. Good for them. Me no likey Jud or Cathy. The red state leftovers from the 2000 Bush hijack attempt.

Ahmed Ali is a two-trick pony. Security. Veterans. Would raise and spend taxes on building a huge police force comprised of veterans. Three-year resident of the city. Nope. No vote.

Shawn Ali (no relation of course) is sneaky. Full of nonsensical non-answers, he has convinced himself he is somehow qualified to run a city. But, I just have the sinking feeling that he's in it for a reason that's not so altruistic. I think I'd vote him most likely to go to prison for taking bribes. Twelve year resident. Must know where the oil is buried. Just my gut.

OK, there are admittedly a lot of Hispanic residents in my city. That's great, but just because a percentage of residents doesn't mean that Mr. Carlos Solis could be any damn good on the council. Seems to have limited experience, exposure, or formal education. I believe he is sincere and intuitive. But just because you've lived here for 20 years doesn't mean you have the answers. I feel he doesn't have a robust context for modern government. But I like him. That means something. He thinks crime is a big problem so I guess he doesn't live in my neighborhood. Granted, it might be. So, maybe I should listen to Mr. Solis. I feel I actually respect Mr. Solis. So, there.

Wilson (Lee) Faris is the most entertaining among the bunch. Clearly a libertarian, he AT THE VERY LEAST, answered every question with a degree of truthfulness (as any good libertarian) would. You may not like his answers, but you know that's what he believes. And, as any good libertarian would argue, term limits are the way to go. Let's not create dictatorships. Good for him. Check out his kooky ass blog: [clicky]. Bit of a kook and conspiracist, he's at least honest (especially with himself). Clear on what he doesn't know and what he does. I probably agree with less than 10% of his politics, but I have respect for him as a person.

I'm voting for Spiegel (reluctantly, but he's smart and savvy), Mr. Solis (sincerity and work ethic), and kooky ass Faris (honesty). Then, I'm watching every city council meeting on the TeeVee, popcorn at the ready. If Jud & Cathy win, I'm never voting again (well, they do have the best campaign signs).