O.K. look. I have to come clean about a few things.
I am in A huge fucking mess. I'm in the middle of a massive break up. My girlfriend is moving out. It's just a huge mess. I have done everything within my power to never mention my personal relationship in all the time that I have been doing this blog, but considering the situation, I can't dance around it forever.
My life has been in total shambles for a while now. On top of this break-up, I'm also going through a massive depression. My entire family (consisting of three other people total) has gone to all hell. The chance of at least one of us HAVING to move in with another is now 2 : 1. I live daily in a fucking personal hell, and here I am having to do my best to pretend that I've still got my head above water.
I know how depression and misery work. I know that NO ONE wants to hear about how fucked up and down another person is. I know that my blogs go a lot better when I am manic and loving life. That's just it. I don't have a lot to offer in general, but I can promise this. I will ALWAYS be genuine.
So that leaves me in a mess of a situation. Day after Day I face my demons and I face how low my life has sunken. How awful it has become. And day after day I have to write here and try my best to avoid the real life facts.
Biker's have one thing right: FTW.
So here I am. In the fucking muck again. Up to my waste in Dark Water. Going to sleep alone, clutching pillows, waking up to demons, or worse, waking up to the new day.
I've been going through mental highs and lows for a long time. Sometimes they correspond with real life. Sometimes they are connected only to a sick game going on in the mind. It's always real to me, but for years and years and years, I've always just hid away for weeks and weeks at a time until it passed. I would just wait around until I felt healthy and active again. Then I would be able to pull off enough work to get me through troubles that were bound to be up ahead again. But with the blog, I have to try to pull it together every day. I have a hard time faking it. The closest I have come was by posting older pre-fab blogs, like the cult banger one. That is the type of thing I have to do on a day where I couldn't say anything positive if I tried.
Well here I am, and here I stand. Maybe I will just put up pictures on days where I can't pull off anything else. Maybe you know my feeling. It's really hard to work against my mood. My heart and soul. It's hard to show all of your life failures to the world.
So... I was going to write more about theses things that torment me, you know? But I've been thinking a lot about it, and it doesn't make any since for me to sit here telling you about them. You either know what I'm talking about or you don't. If you are the one in a hundred thousand person that IS familiar with it/them, then my heart goes out to you. It's horrible, but you know that.
What a nightmare. Fuck.
And I know all about what scientist and doctors say about this whole thing. I don't agree. At all.
I don't agree that all of us who suffer from waking up to these monsters would ALL hallucinate the same exact thing.
There are a lot of reasons you may want to label me as crazy, but this isn't one of them. This is war, and I have no way of winning it.
So here I am in that Limbo. Fighting an ageless fight and losing it.
But it always makes listening to Mazzy Star that much better. I was going through a phase like this before back in Boston, and it resulted in the gay couple down the street calling my landlord to complain that I had been listening to "Midnight Train to Georgia" on repeat play, full volume all night every night.
So here's to anyone that ever put too much faith in me. I'm sorry that I let you down, but I can only carry so much weight. I just can't be what everyone wants me to be. I can't even be what I want me to be.
OK, that s a really raw posting. It's interesting that I've never been able to just throw it all out like that. Instead I use metaphor, simile, device, and other methods to convey how I've felt.