It's a Wrap!

“I thought you were anti-resolutions?” They all say. Well, yeah, I am, dammit. Shut the hell up. Yeah, you!

But I’m a sucker for tradition. Christmas. Santa. Jesus. Good old-fashioned dictator lynching. Eye for an eye shit. Heaven. Hell. Virgins. Paradise. Dinosaurs. Unicorns. Flying Pegasus unicorns! Equality for blacks and women. So, you know…New Year’s resolutions. That’s what I’m all about: tradition. Oh, and Jerry Ford (I just wanted to write “Jerry Ford” one last time this year).

Here goes:

1) I’ve lived 41 years being a nice guy; using all my powers for good and all that shit. I’ve even become pretty good at what I do. Persuasion. Influence. Etc. Altruistic. So, number one this year is: Utilize my powers for evil. Not Kurd-killing evil or lying to rationalize a revenge war evil, but just unlimited Dick Cheney style personal gain evil. Fuck it, I’m due. And, I will step on your throat for the last piece of gum.

2) Let’s just say number two is “for medicinal purposes.” Yah, mon…so kind.

3) Pussy. You know what I mean. Since Oreo died, I’ve missed having a cat in the house.

4) Pussy. C’mon, you saw that coming (tee hee, I said coming).

5) Blah-blah, exercise, yada-yaha shit I’ll never do. This is the insincere one.

6) Let’s see I have sex (check), drugs (check), oh, rock and roll. I know I didn’t do a record last year (but I’m not under contract either. Ha!). But, I took a shitload of pictures. We’ll see about a new record (I’m still in pre-production). Do ideas for a record count?

7) I gotta get the hell out of these suburbs.

8) Hopefully, I can break a bone doing something really stupid or really bitchin’! Write on my cast, bitch.

9) I’ve given up on most pro and collegiate sports (even basketball), but not NFL football. There’s not really a resolution here, I just like the football. It’s manly!

10) Uh, dump all the loser friends I don’t really like that much anyway. Keep the ones I like, but dump the dead weight. And make room for more beer and football (and Jerry Ford).

That’s it. Let’s all have a happy year dedicated to making me rich, happy, and full: The Unlimited Evil Action in America Tour – 2007, rawk on, brahs! See you on the other side.

Happy New Year

2006 in Photographs

Hi,

So, here we are again, the end of another year. Calendar year. Fiscal year to some. You know the drill: lists, count-downs, reviews, etc. Same shit each year, "Stairway to Heaven" is number one classic rock song.

I guess it automatically builds in an annual exercise for me; my annual favorite photographs - that I took, of course.

The past few years I've assembled, on middlespace, a kind of a top-twenty. Well, as I take more pictures each year that exercise gets harder. So, this year, It's forty pictures in four categories.

10 Favorite Portraits - Pictures of people I know and don't

10 Favorite Objects - The other nouns

10 Favorite Abstracts - Stuff that looks like stuff and stuff that doesn't

10 Favorite Self-views - Yep, how I see myself

Let us never confuse "favorite" with "best." Technically some of these photographs are not what the technicians would consider great, but fuck them. It's my art. Anyway, I've narrowed several thousand shots down to 40. Sue me, will 'ya? Note, that there are some exceptions, the wedding, the Bren, some nudes, etc. So, it's a subset of subsets. See? Never that straight forward.

After reviewing every year, I get the sick feeling that the sets don't work and I don't even like the shots anymore. Then weeks or months later I like 'em again. So, it's not perfection, just an exercise....

Also, lazily, instead of building the pages for the pictures myself, uh, I just uploaded them to Ofoto. So, uh, if you want to buy 'em have at it. But, that's not why I put them there. Just lazy really. If you have technical issues getting to them, sorry, I'm not going to help you. So, let's hope links work. All I know is that you keep clicking and you can see all 40.

Like 'em or not. Eh, fuck it! I don't even like them anymore. Happy damn new year.

Little Johnny Bright Eyes

There once was this guy, Little Johnny Bright Eyes, and he wanted to be the president.

So he announced to everyone who could hear him that he wanted to be the president.

But, his whimpers were drowned out by the death of real presidents:

- First, James Brown, the president of soul and funk died on Christmas day. Showstopper to the end.

- Then, president Leslie "the lynch man" King, the lucky SOB who was president, died from being just plain too damn old.

- Then, Bush the mope president watched in revengeful glee while the man who tried to kill his daddy was hung in his own country by his own people for running his own damn country.

Oh, Little Johnny Bright Eyes, where are you when we need you with all your "two Americas" talk? Oh, Little Johnny Bright Eyes, were are you?

Snuff Politics - Revenge Is Not Justice

"The United States and its Iraqi allies basically gave Saddam a platform on which to make himself a martyr to Iraqi unity and independence -- even if by unity and independence Saddam was really appealing to Sunnis' nostalgia for their days of hegemony."

-- Juan Cole/Salon, The Death of A Dictator

& Happy New Year

& this is for all the year's past:

& why do people think it's so funny to come into my office and use my camera to take pictures of me? Don't they know by now that this is the only pose I'monna give 'em?

Leslie

Yo! Now for An Extra Special Salute and Shout-Out to My Favorite President, Leslie "The Lynchman" King, Jr. - In Pictures Copyrighted by Other Peoples and Entities (thanks though).

Jerry, You're My Main Man:

GSP

Uh, Yeah. Of Course, I know How To Do This

Or, if you make the sweet, sweet love like you jump a car -- you'll never see this woman again. Ever! "Uh, it's probably the alter-rador."

Captions welcome.

LLKJ

Leslie Lynch King, Jr.?!

How did I go 41 years and not know Jerry's name was Leslie? Fuck!

I found out Chester's name. Leslie?! How come nobody told me his name was Leslie Lynch King, Jr. There was SO much to make fun of there.

America, Fuck yeah!

I Own Christmas!

Eating My Name In Meat

THAT Kind of Kook (Part III)

Yes, THAT Kind of Kook (Part II)

Yep.

It's me. Confirmed. On Christmas.

Here's how I know I'm that geek, based on the gifts I received for Christmas.

- Two Chris Ware books. Check and check.
- Pocket copy of the US Constitution. Check. Oh snap!
- T-shirt bashing Bush (based on Mastercard "Priceless" theme). Check.
- 1 gigabyte SD card. Check.
- Digital tire pressure monitor. Check.
- Cranium board game. Oh god, check!
- New Yorker re-subscription. Check.

Cognitive enhancement. "Sorry officer, it says here in this copy of the constitution that you cannot ask me that.... Ouch! Hey, you can't do...."

Yep. I'm that guy, hi. Not that I'm complaining (well...Cranium?!). Oh, damn!

Lucky Garden

You'll

Oh, One of THOSE Kooks

So I realized it this morning. I'm going to be one of those kooks (or, have become one).

Here's the short version: Cognitive Enhancement. That is, simple and persistent exercises that keep the mind sharp. Like, listening to music while working. Like doing things with the non-dominant hand. I do a million of these things all the time.

So, I read about a couple of other exercises. And, I did them.

I showered (and shaved) in the dark. Yep.

I brushed my teeth with my left hand. Yep.

So, I'm brushing my teeth - all awkward and jerky - and I dripped some toothpaste on my sweatshirt. I looked up and caught my eye in the mirror and realized, Oh, I'm One of THOSE Kooks!

You know the kind. Ratty hair. Stains on their clothes. Nasty ass teeth. Uneven shave. Listening to two songs at once (you know, for each side of the brain). I get it. Cognitive Enhancement.

Kook.

Annoy A Liberal

Ha!

So, during my 10-hour drive from Maryland to Connecticut, through insance traffic, the Jersey Turnpike, the GSP, and the Merritt Parkway, I noticed several cars with this goofy ass bumper sticker:

And there was a variant or two as well, like, "Annoy A Liberal - Work Hard and Smile," and "Annoy A Liberal: Work, Succeed, and Be Happy." I am certain there is the "Annoy A Liberal...Worship Jesus" or some dumbness like that.

The funniest thing is these stickers were on the shittiest, beater, barely-functioning automobiles on the highway. You know, 1984 Chevy conversion van with under-inflated tires, greasy windows, and the sketchy kook at the wheel. There was also the vintage 1990 Nissan Sentra with coat hanger antenna, mis-colored fender, and duct tape window seal. Standard issue minivan. You know, the kind of car we all laugh at. The kind of car so smoky you have to press the "Recirc" button so you don't asphyxiate when you drive behind it (but is so funny you kind of like the show).

I'm glad these dirt poor stewards of American culture are working so hard, and are so happy. Good for 'em! They look to me to be a bit, er, uptight, depressed, and barely functioning. But, their campaign to annoy liberals is making some sticker making liberal pretty rich, I'm sure (maybe I'll start selling the Jesus one).

I'm pretty happy they have these stupid stickers. Proves my point and makes me laugh.

Thief

I'm telling you, she totally stole this face, this silly, manipulative face from me. Dammit!

Carlos Jay From Yomama

LS @ 5 Mos.