Now that I’m over 40 and I’ve moved past my youthful indiscretions, I can stop taking from the world like a greedy republican pig and start giving. Not giving like working at a homeless shelter, or feeding the starving kids, but real giving. You know, advice and opinions. My goddamn advice.
Actually, BDW gave me the idea (and the first three entries are his). Here goes, things you should know:
1. The business suit is really a modified military uniform.
2. If you really find you have to say it (but please don't), it's not "Peace out" like "freak out" or "spaced out" but "Peace. Out."
3. Shaving does not make your hair grow back thicker. Two things are happening to make people think it does.
As you get older, you naturally get thicker hair.
When you shave a hair and it grows back out, it then has a flat thick end where it was cut instead of the naturally occurring tapered wispy end. An area that has been shaved may, for a time, have the appearance of thicker hair because of all these thick flat ends, but eventually the hairs will naturally fall out and be replaced with hairs with tapered wispy ends.
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4. When you’re watching the NFL and you see the pre-game crap like, giant inflatable helmets and fireworks. Don’t think that that shit’s for you at home on your couch. It’s hardly for the crowd – it’s barely choreographed for live audiences. I’ll tell you what that’s about. It’s about future gifting. It’s about B-roll. When you see that shit played back via NFL, network promo, or ads, it’s all icing and gloss. Nothing beats two-second shots of fireworks, teams running in slow motion and giant flags on TeeVee. Mix that with the vicious hits. It’s all about the edit.
5. If you work at a job where everybody dresses alike like it was the set of Reservoir Dogs or something, you can be mad popular by consistently dressing kooky. You’ll be the guy who doesn’t care about the rules (whether there are rules or not. Or, you’ll just be the freak.
6. Stop talking yourself out of being stupid and impulsive. I mean don’t always be stupid and impulsive, but shit, be stupid and impulsive some of the time. We’re all dying.
7. If someone challenges you to a rap battle, especially at work, you have to accept.
8. If you plan to have kids, the term Terrible Twos is simply a clever convention. Two is bliss compared to the whining and wanderings of three.
9. Once you have a real job – in an office or something – avoid meetings at all cost. Always come up with something that overlaps. Lie if you don’t (or go to the gym or the dentist or something). But never attend meetings. They will kill you.
10. Do not affiliate with a profession (or college) sporting team. Not football (especially), not basketball, not hockey. You’ll be perceived as a loser because you are a loser. If you like or follow a sport, pretend you have no idea what people are talking about. Trust me.
