“I thought you were anti-resolutions?” They all say. Well, yeah, I am, dammit. Shut the hell up. Yeah, you!
But I’m a sucker for tradition. Christmas. Santa. Jesus. Good old-fashioned dictator lynching. Eye for an eye shit. Heaven. Hell. Virgins. Paradise. Dinosaurs. Unicorns. Flying Pegasus unicorns! Equality for blacks and women. So, you know…New Year’s resolutions. That’s what I’m all about: tradition. Oh, and Jerry Ford (I just wanted to write “Jerry Ford” one last time this year).
1) I’ve lived 41 years being a nice guy; using all my powers for good and all that shit. I’ve even become pretty good at what I do. Persuasion. Influence. Etc. Altruistic. So, number one this year is: Utilize my powers for evil. Not Kurd-killing evil or lying to rationalize a revenge war evil, but just unlimited Dick Cheney style personal gain evil. Fuck it, I’m due. And, I will step on your throat for the last piece of gum.
2) Let’s just say number two is “for medicinal purposes.” Yah, mon…so kind.
3) Pussy. You know what I mean. Since Oreo died, I’ve missed having a cat in the house.
4) Pussy. C’mon, you saw that coming (tee hee, I said coming).
5) Blah-blah, exercise, yada-yaha shit I’ll never do. This is the insincere one.
6) Let’s see I have sex (check), drugs (check), oh, rock and roll. I know I didn’t do a record last year (but I’m not under contract either. Ha!). But, I took a shitload of pictures. We’ll see about a new record (I’m still in pre-production). Do ideas for a record count?
7) I gotta get the hell out of these suburbs.
8) Hopefully, I can break a bone doing something really stupid or really bitchin’! Write on my cast, bitch.
9) I’ve given up on most pro and collegiate sports (even basketball), but not NFL football. There’s not really a resolution here, I just like the football. It’s manly!
10) Uh, dump all the loser friends I don’t really like that much anyway. Keep the ones I like, but dump the dead weight. And make room for more beer and football (and Jerry Ford).
That’s it. Let’s all have a happy year dedicated to making me rich, happy, and full: The Unlimited Evil Action in America Tour – 2007, rawk on, brahs! See you on the other side.